Sat on the train, on the way to work in Birmingham, feeling sick in my stomach and glad I didn’t have time to put mascara on this morning.
Daddy is also starting a new job so we were both out of the house before 7am.
I’m feeling guilty and a bit of a failure. I’ve abandoned my baby again.
The nursery hours are 8am to 6pm. They do an early drop off at 7.30am, but would like a months notice. As quite often I don’t know where I’ll be next week, that’s not happening.
So it’s Nanna to the rescue. We’re very lucky to have two very amazing Nanna’s who adore Harrison, and we feel comfortable leaving him with.
I could complain we don’t have support round the corner or see them every week. But I do know when we really need them, they’re there.
My mum stayed the night, so she could look after Harrison and drop him at nursery. She’s taking him in for lunch and then going to work herself. So they’ll get to play and have special bonding time.
I was meant to get up when my alarm went off, jump in the shower and my mum would give Harrison expressed milk in a beaker, if he woke up and wanted it.
But as I got dressed, I could hear him stirring and knew he wanted a feed, I just couldn’t leave him, so went to him. This quickly turned in to a monster feed of both boobies, and left me fifteen minutes to get ready. But I’d done that to myself right? So make up and breakfast on the train it is.
Mum came in, and I dashed off to get ready. I came back in to spritz some perfume, and Harrison got agitated and wanted his mummy. Nanna did her best to distract him. I finally went in to say goodbye and Harrison must have known I was leaving him.
He screamed for me. Looking at me with his gorgeous little eyes. Don’t leave me.
I picked him up, instantly calming him and I explained why I had to go to work and Nanna would look after him.
I said good bye, kissed him and put him down and he cried. He screamed for me, and I could hear him on the monitor, until I locked the front door.
So I’m wracked with guilt, trying not to cry myself. Angry at why I have to leave my baby who needs me.
But this is life, we have bills to pay, I have to go to work.
In reality, while I’m stifling tears, driving to the train station, Harrison settled really quickly and was playing again.
Nanna let me know what they were up to and sent me pictures, which did make me feel better. He had banana, shredded wheat dipped in milk, and some brown toast for breakfast.
He’ll have a fabulous time with his Nanna who will play with him non stop. Then he’ll be in nursery with four or five other little babies and toddlers, playing and babbling with each other.
No doubt he’ll be playing in the ball pool, on the slide, looking at his reflection, bashing the xylophone. And if I’m very lucky he’ll make mummy a breathtaking piece of art.
This is tough, it’s all new, but I’m confident it will get easier. It will become our routine, and if I’m lucky Harrison will get excited to go to nursery to see his chums and play.
I hope you’re finding your feet with this new chapter, big hugs all round.